Update since a long long time

It's been quite awhile since I last updated. hmm, time has flown and im serving national service now. Left about 1 more year before I ord but its been a really crazy ride. Been thinking alot recently...quite sadly, almost about the same stuff as usual haha.. Oh well :S

14/12/2009

I can't say that I've been myself lately, yet I can't deny that what im doing is not part of me as well. I know I've been chosing to go back on my words and stuff but im just tired of saying yes all the time. Cept I can't really say no. I need to recollect my thoughts and find out what I really want cause I don't want to be this way either. Im afraid that it might become a habit, where Im too lazy to do anything or take too long to do something cause that should not be the case. Yet, Im finding myself to be more and more selfish and comfortable with just slacking. I should be going out more often rather than stoning at home and more daring rather than taking the easy way out.

Life is really too short and that we should try and live it without regrets and hence, there's always something new to try. Yet, I admit that some things cannot be rushed and that it was in a moment of sheer craziness. Cause you will never know if you don't try.


Counting down the number of days left before I have to enlist and just enjoying the free time that I have right now. So, I don't think I'll be getting a job. Need to start running to get into shape before I enlist. Feel like diving though so trying to planning for that too.


It's been a really good 2 years in CJ and really valuable experience upon reflection especially the friends that we've made and the stuff that we have been through together. Goodbyes are always hard and yet they will always be inevitable. It's not the end, but rather a new beginning. There is always the opportunity to stay in contact to meet up again a few years down.


At the moment, Im still trying to find what I really want in life and what is my purpose. I seem to have gone off track but Im having trouble finding my way back.

25th october: Exams and birthday approaching!

A levels around the corner in a few more weeks...birthday on monday... haha, can't believe im going to be 18...

in the midst of preparing for A levels...been thinking about something else :S

lets see how it works out :D

So whats new...13/9/2009

I find that the more I reflect...the more unhappy i become, spiraling into a state of sadness that overwhelms me as I heave a heavy sigh. Maybe we would be more happy if we were all mindless hedonistic zombies craving for mass consumerism rather than having a choice of transcending the physical plane and seek spiritual enlightenment. Then again, would that really make us happy? or just blinded by what comforts us at the moment, missing out on the greater good that we have yet to experience before. I can't help but feel a tinge of sadness whenever I reflect and its annoying. I don't want to feel this way, yet I'm feeling this way. Maybe my mind is wrought with things I should not entertain or linger upon...


When will I truly be happy? It might be the selfish innate human instinct that we will never be content with what we have...and yet, maybe I've yet to experience that happiness, rather than just temporal happiness that can't really satisfy much. Indeed, who can fathom what the heart feels? Yet, our heart guides us towards an unknown abyss without clarity of the situation and by the time we know it, we are ensnared by its trickery and dubiousness. But the irony is the fact that we cannot reverse the impact it has had on us. As we grow older, we lose our prior innocence to the realistic happenings in the world. We cannot pretend that it has never happened before and revert back to a state of naivety.


Looks like I'll have to carry on with life accepting the losses I've had on the way and the gains I've had not choosing the easy way out...and hope that the future will have something for me.
I have to stop typing out such posts... :(

Laughter and joy, a reprieve much needed in the midst of adversity and stress (19 August 2009)

The sharing session I had with Phelan, Freddie, Gabriel Lim, Matthew, Khairul, Lester, Nwahs and Moses was one of the more light hearted, crazy nonsensical chatting that had all of us laughing like mad. It got so bad for one question that we were doubled over laughing hysterically.

The atmosphere nowadays is more of gloom and a lingering melancholy as the A levels draw nearer each day. People no longer run around the school exercising or just chill in a corner. Instead, books and pens are now substituted into our daily routines as a wave of panic washes over everyone, causing the anxiety deep within us to hit the books so that we will be prepared for the Prelims in about 2 weeks time. Time really is running out and yet, in such circumstances, one should always find ways to relieve the tension and stress through laughter.

Friends are catalytic in influencing what we do and feel and I just hope that everyone can pull through this really sticky predicament of time slipping through our hands. It is no longer an option but more of how long we can persevere and just get it over and done with. Sleeping is now a priviledge and eyebags are starting to form on everyone's faces. Even the teachers are getting less rest and a little more edgy and grumpy as well.


Such is the life of a student that one wonders what really lies out there for us, beyond the school but rather life and how to tackle it as school equates to stifling of freedom and creativity, sticking to conventional norms and yet they reinforce discipline which helps us to deal and act in refrain from our rash and irrational actions.

Tuition is also in high demand now but thankfully, the prices are not increasing despite the sudden influx of enrollment. My body is weak and tired but my mind says to push on. Which one would give first? I wonder how can people tolerate studying 24 hrs a day for 7 days a week endlessly....It is tiring and boring....and yet a necessary evil. Ironic.



Will we ever be free from this cycle?-
Will we ever taste freedom and choice?-
Only when its said and done-
When the A's are well won, replaced with fun-
That we can arise from the ashes-
and taste the sweet nectar-
from the sectors of hysteria-
that eludes the grasp of the dread-
and fills our lives with joy instead.


And thus the raven never fleeting, sitting upon our chamber door,
croaks nevermore nevermore nevermore need we go through this hell again,
with angels that surround us never to depart,
taking apart the pain and the rain and causing it to wane.



The light is upon us while we are still in the midst of darkness...let us forge on

About Games and life (9th June 2009)

Thought: Why are people so addicted to online games nowadays?

I feel that people are addicted to the game because of the innate carnal desire to want to excel in an area, be it a game or interest. Hence, the challenging of oneself to want to be the best in the game. However, we get too caught up in playing the game that we neglect other aspects of our life, like our social life with others, especially our family. This might result in the following: skipping of meals, confinement at home the whole day facing the computer, lack of sleep, worry from family members.

It is actually quite a scary thought, that such a small thing can become so dangerous.

The thought that just struck me was: "Why do we play games?"
Answer: To have fun

BUT, are we really having fun when we are frustrated, angry, sad while playing the game?
I feel that we should not inflict ourselves with this internal turmoil of meaninglessness.
A game is BUT a game, nothing more.
It does not define a person, nor prove anything about a person.
Games come and go, but people DON'T.
A person's value can NEVER be measured in the number of gold accumulated in the virtual playground nor can the TIME spent on it ever be retrieved.

Time flies, and years have gone by in the blink of an eye.
Life is fragile and full of uncertainties.
How are we going to spend the little time we have on this Earth?


Thus, when playing, one should just have fun. Win/lose that does not matter.
Whether one wins/loses in reality is a more important goal.
Are we attaining treasure on Earth? or in Heaven?

Quote of the day: "There is no substitute for Hardwork" from Pastor Bill Chang

Reflection on 4/5/2009

Happiness: what does it mean to be truly happy?

Some, find happiness in wealth while others find it in relationships, both friends and couples. Happiness can be said to be the emotion that one feels when one acquires something that one has been wanting. But yet, our innate nature does not seem to be satisfied with what we have at times, culminating in a negligence for what we already have and taking things for granted. Sadly, sometimes when we realise it, we may never get back the things that we once had. However, one cannot blame one for being so choosy as most of the time, one would want nothing but the best (not necessarily the best literally, but the best that suits him/herself.


So, where exactly do we draw this line? I think that our perspectives really affect the way we think. If we are contented with what we have, we have no need to be unhappy. But if we desire something too much, the obsession can consume one and eventually, the only one who will lose out is oneself. We all have the right and the ability to be happy and no one can take it away from us. Many times, our perspectives have been clouded and affected by the mindset of the world, and the negativity starts to sink in. But yet, we forget that though the circumstances might be daunting, we have a great God, one who is never changing, merciful, able to overcome all odds. Maybe we should start looking at the brighter side of life...and just laugh at the trips and stumbles that we encounter as the saying goes "what doesn't kill us, only makes us stronger". Although, it is easier said than done, I know that this perspective is not easy to hold on to as we are easily demoralised as our friend's outlook can rub off on us as well.

Alas, the irony of happiness is that to be truly happy is to be partially ignorant while being contented with what we have.


When can we really :) and mean it? I fear that sometimes, it is but a facade that masks our inadequacies and fears from others. Then again, whose happiness would u put first? your own? or your friends?

End of reflection.